How to Steal a Million Without Even Trying (Much)
I didn't rob the Louvre, but if I did, there'd be a playlist. Hype music for plotting a heist.
For starters, no, I did not steal the jewels from the Louvre. Anyone who knows me - and that’s the whole of my subscribers’ list, as far as I can tell - can spot a mile off that I’d be the worst possible person to lead or even participate in an art heist. Especially in the Louvre. Too much distraction. And I’d get lost, since I inevitably get hopelessly turned around in any European museum even when I’m not actively plotting a snatch-and-grab job beyond the snacks I’m gong to annihilate in the cafe.
And anyway, who has the fucking time to plan an operation like that? One thing I can guarantee - the thieves weren’t art historians. Don’t get me wrong, there’s no one better to single out specific works for the taking. (And these were specific.) We’re great at selling you on why a specific brooch or painting or doodle is the best damn thing in the museum. I once went to the International Print Fair in London with a friend and convinced her within five minutes that a David Hockney litho was the most spectacular thing on the wall. I mean, it was, but it’s not always easy to communicate why, especially to someone who’s initially skeptical. We know the objects in museum collections, and we know their backstories like they’re our damn siblings. We have a very specific set of skills.
But even this analog-as-fuck heist took planning, and no art historian has time for that. First of all, we’re horrible at planning. Just putting together a syllabus for a class I’ve taught for ten years makes me sweat, yearn to deep clean my kitchen, and fixate on running random errands (preferably out of the country). But more to the point, we’re too busy dashing from one part-time contract job to another to pull of a daring heist, since we’re pretty much all employed as contingent faculty now. Or we’re going to be. But I digress.
I should point out, reader, that nothing good will come of this theft. It is deeply serious. The many comments on the multitude of social media accounts that have covered this news or mined it for memes (rich material there) are largely farcical and occasionally pull a face at the Louvre for having stolen works in their collection to begin with. While it’s true that the stones in the jewels were extracted from India and Colombia as a product of colonial exploitation, the jewels, if not recovered, may be recut and sold, the mounts melted down. Whoever nicked them, I’m wagering, does not intend to repatriate the stones to their countries of origin.
But dammit, you guys, I am conflicted about this entire episode because, on the one hand, theft is awful. But on the other hand, holy hell this is entertaining.
I was not prepared for my own response to the theft, which was one of nostalgia.
I’m taken in by the vintage element. I can’t help myself. It’s almost refreshingly romantic. It wasn’t a hack, a cybercrime, a data breach, a pipeline shut down remotely. It was an old-fashioned, analog jewel heist. The thieves got away on a pair of scooters. A pair of scooters. It all sounds so charmingly retro that it’s spawned a universe of memes striking comedic gold. A roundup of my favorites:
The feeling of being entertained by this is a weird one. What happened was a crime, and a big one. As an art historian especially, I understand how heartbreaking this is for research and for the museum-going public. But whenever I start to feel like a bit of a shit for finding the humor in the situation, I remember that Marcel Duchamp reacted in exactly the same way when the Mona Lisa was stolen in 1911.
Mostly, though, I have to wonder…how the fuck bad is it when the feel-good news story of the fall so far is a jewel heist??? Is our reaction to the incident reflective of the general hellscape that is the current state of affairs?
As always, the whole thing got me thinking about music. If I were to plan a heist in France - and I absolutely am not, to be clear - there would be a soundtrack. The tenor of this Thomas Crown-type shit isn’t hyperpop or glitchcore. It’s dark wood, smoky atmospheres, and jazz. It’s Nina Simone’s “Sinnerman.”
So, without further ado (or adieu), here is the top of my jewel heist playlist:
Henry Mancini, “The Pink Panther Theme”
Rather goes without saying, doesn’t it? Sleek, suave, and sexy, it’s the anthem of heist tunes for a reason. Goes perfectly with a waistcoat and fedora (even if it’s not a detective wearing them). A Parisian jewel theft just demands jazz.
Charley Crockett, “A Stolen Jewel”
This one feels poetic. Crockett’s throwback style perfectly fits the vintage vibe of the heist itself. Bonus points for Charley’s own history in Paris as a busker.
The Kills, “Jewel Thief”
This cowpunk rambler is pretty on the nose and a perfect mix of retro jangle and modern dissonance.
Henry Mancini, “Peter Gunn Theme”
Mancini might as well be the official court composer of sexy-ass criminality. This rock-jazz hybrid is practically made of stealthily opened windows and the muffled cracking of skylights.
Jimmy Buffett, “The Great Filling Station Holdup”
I know, stealing from the Louvre is no laughing matter. But I can’t help but find humor in it, and I think Buffett would have understood. He penned this honky-tonker about a real-life pair of backwoods bandits who robbed a gas station - in Florida, naturally - and got caught showing off their haul at a local beer joint.
Honorable mentions go to:
Bob Dylan, “Lily, Rosemary, and the Jack of Hearts” and anything off the album Love and Theft
Paul Simon, “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard” (about a drug bust rather than jewel theft, but it just sounds like getting away with some mischief)
Beastie Boys, “Rhymin & Stealin”
Hank Snow, “The Man Who Robbed the Bank at Santa Fe”
Jane’s Addiction, “Been Caught Stealing”
Tom Waits, “Small Change”
What would be on your heist playlist? Drop a tune in the comments.